


Last Kiss

by Smoltzmann



Category: Ghostbusters
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 22:19:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8178232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smoltzmann/pseuds/Smoltzmann
Summary: 20/02/2017. Erin left. That was the day everything fell apart, when Jillian's world came crashing down in the matter of a few minutes.The Jillian PoV fic to my other fic 'I Almost Do'





	1. Chapter 1

20/02/2017. Erin left. 

That was the day everything fell apart, when Jillian's world came crashing down in the matter of a few minutes. It was a bittersweet day, Erin was off to England to teach something she loved, while leaving the others behind. Things were going so well between them, they had bought an apartment together close to the firestation and had become really close but deep deep down Holtzmann had known from the start that this day would come. Because after all, everyone who she ever loved eventually leaves. 

Holtzmann flopped down on the sofa, sending a large cloud of dust spiralling into the sky around her. It had been three weeks since Erin had left now, and she wasn't doing well at all. Abby and Patty had taken it upon themselves to make sure Holtzmann actually ate and drank, and got out of bed of course. They'd already lost one valuable team member, they couldn't bear to loose Holtzmann too. As for the flat they'd got, it was government bought so rent wasn't a problem however it was more of a tip now. Since cleaning was Erin's thing Holtz had let things get way out of hand. Dirty cups and mugs littered every flat surface and the floor was covered in clothes, takeaway food bags and various mechanical spare parts from personal projects Holtzmann had tried to work on but had lost interest. Shoving some clothes off the sofa onto the floor she laid down, staring at the ceiling. Memories were constantly flitted through her mind and it was slowly killing her. The way Erin's sleeping face had looked when Holtzmann would come home at 1.58 in the morning. The dim light would light up her face and Jillian would soak in every single detail before she would to curl up next to her and sleep. And when she would stir in her sleep, roll over and mumble a soft 'I love you Jill' before falling back to sleep. "If you loved me so much then why did you go away?" Holtzmann growled through gritted teeth as tears began to flood her eyes, picking up the nearest mug she launched it at the wall. It collided with a loud thud, breaking into a hundred tiny pieces that littered the floor. Wiping away the tears Holtz sat up on the sofa, she'd have to clear that up later or else someone's getting hurt and that'd make Holtzmann feel even worse than she already did. Sighing she stood up, placing her hands on her back she straightened up, feeling her spine crack as she did so. Walking over to the kitchen she washed out a cup, and turned the kettle on and spooned in coffee granules and sugar. Clutching the edge of the counter she bit her lip, screwing her eyes shut she let out a few jagged breaths before composing herself again. 

The kettle whistled, and Holtz poured the boiling water into to cup, stirring it she bent down and opened the fridge below her, grabbing some milk she poured some in before closing up the fridge again. Turning around and leaning on the counter she sighed, lifting the mug to her lips she was about to take a sip when she heard a full buzz from the other room. 'My phone!' She thought placing the cup down on the counter and racing back to the living room. Frantically searching though piles of clothing to find her phone she groaned. It wasn't in the living room so where was it? Then it dawned on her 'The bedroom!!'. Racing through Holtz could see her phone on the cabinet on her side of the bed. Leaping over the bedpost she scrabbled to pick up her phone on time, answering the call. 'Hello, Holtzmanns the name ghostbustings the game how can I help?' She said smoothly into the reviewer.  
'Holtzmann?' The familiar voice echoes through her mind.  
'Patty hey! Do you guys need me?' Holtzmann asked, looking at her free hand and studying her already chewed fingernails. 'Just checking up on ya Holtz. We could do with some help today though, nothing major yknow' Patty replied. Holtzmann could hear Abby's voice shouting at Kevin in the background. Smirking to herself Holtzmann ran her fingers through her hair. 'I'll be down in 20' she chuckled. 'See ya soon Patty'. Hanging up the phone she sat down on the edge of the bed staring at the empty side. Holtzmann couldn't bring herself to touch Erin's side of the bed. She just couldn't wreck one of the few things she had left of the slender, dorky brunette. Slipping out of her pajamas Holtzmann slipped on her 'One of the Boys' crop top, layering it with a plaid shirt reached under a pile of clothes on what used to be a visible chest of draws until her fingers clasped on something cold and solid. Surprised she pulled it out from under the pile, feeling her heart physically drop. It was a fancy looking photoframe, with a selfie from the day Holtzmann had returned from a week away visiting family. She had been so excited to finally get home, to finally see Erin again. Flying made Holtzmann rather anxious, but only because when she was a kid she'd managed to sneak downstairs during the early hours of the morning and ended up watching a programme about plane crashes. It hadn't helped that it started to rain on the journey, making Holtz nerves go crazy. She almost clapped when the plane finally landed literally leaping out of her seat and running off it. The smell of fresh rain was, and in a way still is one of Holtzmann's favourite smells, that and the vanilla scent of Erin's skin. Taking the picture out of the frame she turned it over, it had Erin's neat handwriting on the back 'July 9th 2016'. "That's right, I remember now. How could I forget that date." She scoffed to herself biting her fingernails. The moment Holtzmann had Iocked eyes on Erin in the airport she had made a beeline straight towards the lanky brunette, almost knocking her over when he collided with her for a hug. Her heartbeat was so fast against Holtzmann's shoulder. That was when the picture was taken, Erin had planted a firm kiss on Holtzmann's cheek, before snapping a quick picture. The look captured on Holtzmann's face was that of pure unadulterated joy. 

Snapping back to reality Holtzmann fought back the tears, and tied up her hair. It was as if she could still feel Erin's warm hug around her. Shaking it off she placed the photo back in the frame and on top of the clothing like, slipping into some baggy trousers and her boots she drank her coffee in a few gulps before leaving the flat and locking up behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

The air was brisk and cool, and when Holtzmann breathed it tunnelled out of her lips in a thin mist. The flat was a five minute walk to the station, and Holtzmann practically jogged there so she arrived in record time, and didn't get too chilly. Opening the door she was greeted by an excited Kevin, who practically launched himself across the room to embrace Jillian in a hug. "You came!" He shouted gleefully throwing his hands in the air.  
"Yeah I'm here Kev, what do you guys need?" She forced a small smile across her lips, although all she really wanted to do was cry.  
"Abby was worried about you. We all are..." Kevin trailed off "So they've made a lunch upstairs for all of us. Sort of like a family get together" he explained, taking Holtz by the arm and leading her up the stairs to the others. Bursting through the door still holding the tiny engineer Kevin let out a loud shout of triumph 'She's here!!!' Before dragging her forwards by the elbow. Jillian could feel herself turning bright red and in a reflex she lifted up her hand and gave a small wave hello as Patty and Abby practically jumped out of their skins at Kevin's shout. When they laid eyes on Holtzmann Patty dropped the mug she was holding and Abby let out a small audible gasp. "Jillian you look terrible!" Abby gulped and it was true. The small woman's eyes were a puffy red colour, her skin was white and sickly looking and her crop top had began to hang loosely from her body where it once fitted. She was visibly shaking, but that was most likely from the large amounts of coffee she drank, as were the bags under her eyes from lack of sleep.  
"Have you actually been eating the meals we send you??" Patty questioned bending down to pick up the shards of porcelain from the mug she'd dropped.  
"Of course I have." Holtzmann lied, well half lied. She ate most meals that randomly turned up at her door with a note from the delivery man saying who they were from. But some days she just, well, wasn't hungry. Abbey sighed and placed her hands on her hips, studying her once more before walking over and hugging her. "Girl imma get in on that' Patty shouted, placing the broken mug into the trash can before joining in on the hug. "Yeah Ghostbusters group hug!" Kevin shouted sandwiching Holtzmann and Abby more together now with his long arms. 'It's not Ghostbusters without Erin...' Holtzmann thought bitterly, not wanting to ruin the moment though she forced a smile. 

"Kevin said you cooked lunch?"  
"Yeah. Well not so much cooked as semi prepared. Come on we'll show you!" Patty smiled beckoning for Holtzmann to come over to the table. She obliged and followed her friend there, laying eyes on one of the most spectacular feasts she'd seen in her life. There was a huge cooked turkey in the middle, with all sorts of vegetables and dressings around it in various dishes. They'd even put some cans of Pringles around the table. Holtzmann wasn't even sure how they cooked it here, or whether they'd brought it from home or even just tried blowtorching it but she didn't care. Her stomach began to rumble and it was as if it suddenly dawned on her she was in fact starving. "Can we eat now?" She asked with her usual grin. Patty looked at Abby and smiled, it was the first genuine grin Holtzmann had shown them since Gilbert left. Maybe Holtzmann was finally getting back to her normal self. After they'd all taken a seat at the dinner table, Holtz next to Patty and Abby next to Kevin they began to tuck in. And for a little while it felt like a weight had lifted from Jill's shoulders. Or at least, a couple minutes. The blondes blue eyes couldn't help but wander over to where Erin used to sit, and deep deep down she felt a sadness she knew nothing could fill. 

Shrugging it off Holtzmann looked up from her plate when she heard Abby clear her throat. "Holtz we've been thinking and well...we think you should get a cat. Or at least something to keep you company. It's just you've been spending an awful amount of time at home alone and well we think it'd do you some good." Holtzmann furrowed her brow, placing down her cutlery she leaned back in her chair. "My apartments a tip. Cleaning up, wasn-" she gulped, her voice faltering slightly. "Cleaning up wasn't my thing. I'm a messy person, a cat will only add to that" She finished.  
"We'll help you tidy and take it from there" Patty replied  
"What about explosions? Fires? It's not safe for the cat to be at mine!"  
"Don't work at home then. Cats need feeding once a day and just make sure it has water, we think you'll really like it" Abby piped up. Holtzmann mused for a second, bending forward and grabbing a Pringles can she opened it and ate a few. "I guess I could do that..." She mumbled  
"SHE SAID YES!!" Kevin cheered through a mouthful of turkey. Holtzmann smirked, stuffing more Pringles in her mouth.  
"So...how have you been holding up Holtz?" Abby asked looking over the table. Jillian shrugged "alright I guess. A lot better than I was" She lied. She was still the same, and the lie was so obvious that both of the other Ghostbusters could clearly tell. "You sure?" Patty asked tilting her head sympathetically. Holtzmann nodded, and opened her mouth to speak when Abby cut her short "Then why are you wearing her tshirt still?" She asked. Jillian's stomach dropped, she felt nauseous all of a sudden. Looking down at herself she realised that the plaid shirt she'd put on was in fact originally Erin's. She had gotten so distracted by the picture frame that she had picked up a shirt from Erin's leftover pile of clothes. Her mouth dropped open, and and audible 'uhhhhhhhh' came out. Before she could compose herself Abby's phone buzzed as a text came through. Shooting a glance at the screen Holtzmann's heart dropped even more. "What is going on." She muttered on bated breath, her fist slamming down on the table as she stood up. 

"Why is SHE TEXTING YOU" She shouted, her eyes beginning to fill with her now familiar salty tears. Her breathing had become raspy and she could feel her throat trying to close when she was desperately fighting back the tears. "Jill-" Patty had began before she was rudely interrupted.  
"Don't call me that"  
"Holtzmann....she thought it'd be better if she didn't talk to you. So you could...y'know. Move on" Abbey whispered, standing up too and taking her phone from the middle of the table. "We miss her too." Patty added.  
"But. But you speak to her. I have nothing....nothing." Holtzmann faltered, the last few words of the sentence were barely audible. Wiping her eyes with the sleeve of Erin's shirt Holtzmann turned away. She couldn't stop the tears, nor could she cry in front of them. Dashing away to her lab she quickly closed the door behind her, before her knees buckled out from underneath her and she fell on the floor sobbing. The salty tears falling down her cheeks, through her fingers and onto the floor.

A few minutes had passed before she heard a knock on the door. "Holtz we didn't mean to upset you". It was Patty.  
"Please leave me alone" Holtzmann replied between sniffs.  
"We are here for you, you know that right?" Abby's voice joined in. Wiping her face and looking up at the ceiling Holtzmann sighed. Standing up she unlocked the door and was immediately enveloped into a hug. "Do you really think they'd be anyone other than her?" She whispered her voice shaking. Abby and Patty were speechless. They had never seen Holtzmann like this before. "I just. I don't know how to be something she'd miss....I never though...I just never thought we'd have a last kiss." Her bottom lip was trembling. "I never thought we'd end like THIS" She gulped. Abby patted her on the back and Patty hugged both of them tighter. 'Her name is forever the name on my lips. Oh why are you like this' Holtzmann thought bitterly. "I. I don't want to stop you guys from talking to her. That's not fair" she muttered, her breath shaky. Abby shot Patty a glance, "We'll get you that cat soon yeah Holtz?'  
'Yeah'

The rest of the day was spent like old times. Eating junk, laughing and having a genuinely good time. "Hey Holtz remember that party the mayor organised for us? That was a blast, I don't know if he's throwing us another one this year. Would you be up for it??" Patty asked punching Holtzmann gently in the arm.  
The blonde shrugged. "I guess I could make an appearance" she replied blandly. The last party was one of the last times her and Erin properly went out. In fact, it was the night Holtzmann asked Erin to move in with her. She was showing off to the guests, the mayor even called Holtzmann the life of the party, much to Erin's amusement. Jillian kept seeing her standing off to the side, rolling her eyes at her occasionally when she would do something particularly stupid. That just entertained Holtzmann, who would grab her arm and pull her towards her in a pirouette. Now Erin definitely wasn't one for dancing, but she would for Holtzmann. And that night they danced for what seemed like hours until Holtzmann bowed to her, saluted and asked if they could move in together. Then the memory when Erin first met Holtzmanns parents (now Holtzmann's parents weren't supportive of Jillian's 'habits' at all, but somehow Dr Erin Gilbert had managed to charm them) and shook her fathers hand. How Erin would always walk with her hands gingerly in her pockets because they got cold easily. And how when Holtzmann was trying to lecture her on engineering she would kiss her when she was in the middle of saying something. Now there wasn't a day Holtzmann didn't miss those 'rude' interruptions.  
"It's getting quite late now" Abby interrupted Holtzmann's trail of thought. "Let's go home" Patty added standing up. Holtzmann looked at her watch. It read 22:30 which wasn't late on Holtzmann's terms but she did feel a bit drained after earlier.  
"Yeah. Lets go home." Holtzmann said, standing up and following everyone out the door, flicking off the lights witch darkness fell over the firestation.


	3. Chapter 3

A few days had passed since the incident at the firehouse and a month since Erin had left, and since then Holtzmann hadn't gotten any better, but she hadn't gotten any worse. Patty, Abby and Kevin had come round in force to help clean up the flat and despite it being worse than they'd all imagined put together they managed to get it respectably tidy. It looked, and smelt a lot better and it lifted Holtzmann's spirits a lot. Despite uncovering loads of hidden photos of the two, and keepsakes that brought back many now painful memories for Holtzmann causing her to stop and compose herself many times she got there in the end. The only problem that arose was Abby wanting to rearrange 'Erin's side' of the bed. She just couldn't allow it, it made her feel so close to the woman who was now so far away. This caused some bickering and almost tears on Jillian's behalf so Abby decided to leave it. One good thing though was Kevin had found (albeit he had also almost thrown out) Holtzmann's laptop. This meant she could finally get back onto social media, even though she tended to stay away before she lost it she used to use it to check (well Holtzmann called it check, other people may call it stalk) up on Erin. Just to make sure she was okay. Holtzmann knew she should stop, or even block Erin but she just couldn't bring herself to do it. Erin was, and if anything still is her everything. It physically hurt her that now she has to watch Erin's life in pictures when she used to watch her sleep. She wanted so desperately to message the professor of particle physics but she just could not bring herself to do it. "She's forgotten you Jillian. She doesn't...she doesn't love you. If she did...if...she wouldn't leave. She wouldn't have left you" She mumbled to herself fighting back yet more tears. Holtzmann had honestly never been such a wreck before. So this was a whole new experience to her, and it didn't look like it would go away anytime soon. "You've probably forgotten me" Holtzmann whispered to herself as she logged onto Facebook and swallowed a lump in her throat. It wasn't fair. How SHE would talk to Patty and Abby and completely ignore her. Did she really hate her that much? The woman whom Jillian had fallen head over heels for couldn't even bare to message her now. Holtzmann hovered over Erin's name on the laptops screen. She could physically feel Erin forgetting her, just like she used to feel her breathe at night. Head against her chest as her sleepy fingers combed through her hair. Jillian was about to click on her name when there was a knock on the door. Jumping up she closed the laptops lid, and walked to the door. Opening it up to see a grinning Patty who immediately pulled her into a hug. "I got it!" She said barging past Holtzmann into the cleaner apartment, she had barely asked what she was talking about when Abby also barged through carrying a large bag full of various item. "What's going on?" Holtzmann asked scratching her hair and closing the front door. "Put some pants on Holtzmann. We got your new room mate!" Holtzmann looked down at herself to see she was still in her pajamas that consisted of a longish x files tshirt and well, no trousers. Blushing slightly Holtzmann disappeared into her bedroom musing over what her friends could mean. Putting on some loose pajama bottoms it suddenly dawned on her what they were talking about. The cat! Oh god how could she forget?! Racing out the bedroom she made it to the living room in record time, crouching by the cage she didn't even realise Patty was carrying to see a tiny pair of eyes staring back at her. "Where did you get it from?" She asked, looking up at Abby.   
"She came from the local rescue centre" Abby replied. Patty unlocked the cage and a little bundle of tabby fur came out. "Oh she's gorgeous" Holtzmann said picking her up and tickling her under the chin. "Does she have a name?"   
"We though you should decide." Patty replied sitting down on the sofa. Holtzmann held the kitten up to her face, studying it clearly she mused for a minute before answering. " I'm calling her Pawrin. Pawrin Purrbert." Patty shot a questioning look to Abby who just shrugged.   
"Uh nice name Holtz. We'll let you two bond. You have everything you need in the bag, catch up tomorrow" Abby said patting the smaller blonde on the shoulder.   
"Wait." Holtzmann sighed, placing the kitten down. "How is she?" She whispered, turning around to face them, eyes wide. Abby didn't quite know how to respond. "She is well." Were the words that finally came out of Abby's mouth. Holtzmann sat there for a minute biting the inside of her cheek in an uncomfortable silence before she nodded. Patty and Abby let themselves out, leaving Jillian to sit in silence with Pawrin. "I hope it's nice where you are..." She trailed off to herself, stroking the kittens soft fur. Laying down on the floor Holtzmann stared at the ceiling, tears filling her eyes once more. Except now the small kitten had crawled up onto her chest and had curled up. "And you know what Pawrin? I hope the Suns shining and it's a beautiful day. And then something reminds her of me and she wished she had stayed." She cried bitterly, letting the tears well from her eyes as her lower lip trembled once more. The kittens small purr was rhythmic against her chest, and it felt comforting. 'I can plan for a change in the weather and time but I just never planned on you changing your mind.' She thought, her hands drifting up to her eyes to wipe away more salty tears. Her chest was moving rapidly up and down as she fought to catch her breath from yet more crying. Gently removing Pawrin from her chest she placed the kitten on the sofa and went about unpacking her things, setting it up nicely in a corner but the time she had finished it was getting late, and she was tired. So she made her way to the bed "I wish I knew how to be something you miss..."'she whispered before falling asleep almost as soon as her head hit the pillow. 

The next morning she woke up to the sun's early morning rays coming through her undrawn curtains. Moaning slightly and covering her eyes with one hand she sat up in bed, rubbing her eyes and scratching the back of her head. 'I had better feed Pawrin Purrbert' she thought sliding out from under the sheets and making her way to the kitchen. Filling a bowl full of one of the wet food pouches Patty and Abby had brought her the previous day Holtzmann placed it on the floor and called for the kitten, who came running at record speed and crashed into the cupboard. Holtz had to stifle a small chuckle at the cats clumsiness. "You're certainly living up to your name" She said sadly. "Eat baby girl I'll see you for cuddles in the living room soon" She whispered patting the kitten on the side before walking through to the living room and sitting on the sofa, grabbing her laptop from the spot she had left it yesterday. Opening the page Holtzmann frowned as it loaded to a 'memory' of a picture of her and Erin taken one year ago that day. They were so happy. It was the first time Holtzmann had taken Erin to the zoo, they'd had such a great time together and Holtzmann had snapped a shot of Erin feeding the giraffes (Holtzmann always used to joke after that about Erin being a giraffe because she was tall, lanky, quiet and clumsy- or at least that's what Jillian thought). Sighing Holtzmann clicked off the page, onto the homepage. Scrolling down her timeline to see the updates on Patty, Abby and Kevin Holtzmann frowned as she saw Patty had snapped a sneaky picture of her and Pawrin without Holtzmann looking. Granted it was a cute picture but she looked like a mess. "God damnit Jillian get yourself together" she muttered. Carrying on scrolling down through her timeline her stomach dropped and the all familiar nausea appeared again when she fixed her eyes on a picture. It was of her, and another woman. A small red haired lady and they looked like they were having fun. They were looking at each other and laughing together and Holtzmann felt sick to her stomach. "They're probably just work colleagues" she told herself. "But we were just work colleagues..." She placed her laptop down on the table, closing the Internet down before slamming the lid shut. "It all makes sense now..." She muttered holding her head in her arms and rubbing her eyes with her index fingers. "You haven't messaged me because there's...someone else" she hissed. Grabbing the nearest China mug she threw it at the wall again, causing it to smash. "You're forever going to be the name on my lips. BUT YOUVE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE" The end sentence came out in a scream as she hurled another mug at the wall, this time shards of China and splashes of cold coffee littered the apartment. "WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME" The scream was louder now as a third and final mug was hurled at the wall. Now there was China all over the floor and coffee splashed on the walls. Wiping away angry tears Holtzmann closed the kitchen door so Pawrin wouldn't come in and cut her small paws, she was about to bend down and pick up all the China with her dustpan and brush when there was a knock at the door. "Shit" Holtzmann whispered to herself. That must be Abby and Patty coming to check up on her. They couldn't see the apartment like this. "Just a minute!" She called, quickly sweeping up as much China as she could she dumped it in the bin and briskly walked to to front door. Unlocking it her heart dropped as a familiar lanky brunette stood shaking at her doorway.

"I miss you Jill"


End file.
